I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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