I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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