It was confusing and full of hummus
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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