She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
