I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
