Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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