i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
