He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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