Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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