Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
