omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
