mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
