The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
