just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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