did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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