her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
