Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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