i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
