oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
