did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There r osticjed everywhere
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I FOUND THE LEGS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think my moral compass just broke
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
