im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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