So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
