i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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