I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
