I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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