The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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