Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You're a waste of cheezeits
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
