I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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