I seem to have left my pride at pride
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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