As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
