I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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