Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
