I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
