Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
