I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize