i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
