Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
