god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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