Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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