The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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