Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
