Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
