the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
