i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
