Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
