I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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