How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
