Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
