The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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