dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
