I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
