I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
