don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
