Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize