it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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