I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
